At our recent Goddess talk with Marilyn Sutherland, we discussed one of my favorite topics, intentional connection. Marilyn spoke about why and how we connect, as well as showing us different ways to build that connection intentionally and you can read about that in Part 1 of this article.
In Part 2 we’ll discuss what happens when we push people away, and the ways in which we may be doing it, without even realizing it! Marilyn stressed the point that if you aren’t intentionally connecting with the people in your life, then you are actively pushing them away.
So at any given moment, you are either connecting with people, or pushing them away. Pushing people away is the fastest way to cause the deterioration of a relationship. If people aren’t intentionally connecting in a marriage, this pushing a person away can lead to divorce. In a workplace, it can lead to tension. And friendships can drift apart without this intentional effort as well.
This can be a difficult truth to accept - that there is no middle ground. Particularly when it sometimes feels exhausting being intentional all the time, and we may actually not want to connect in some moments. However, there are ways to respond to offers to connect that honor our own needs as well as the needs of others.
How to respond to offers to connect?
If we want to connect with someone, then we can say yes to an offer to connect, and the more positive and enthusiastic it is, the more we can create a future with that person. At those times when we do not want to connect, we can say no. If we are pleasers, this can be difficult, as we don’t want to say no and suffer a potential loss of love stemming from fear and possible survival habits formed in childhood. However, we can still say no authentically, and kindly, and do it without damaging the relationship.
The other response to an offer to connect is to say maybe, and open up a negotiation or a conversation around how, when and where to connect, or to encourage a counter offer. This shows a willingness to connect, even if it isn’t possible or desirable right now. Remember to have a positive intention to connect, no matter which words you use.
What happens when we aren’t connecting?
The short answer is - we are pushing people away. John Gottman’s studies of connection between newlywed couples (outside of the bedroom) showed that within 6 years, those who connected positively 86% of the time, remained married, and those who connected 33% of the time had separated. This positive connection included smiles, eye contact and hugs, as well as conversations.
What were people doing when they were not connecting? This tended to fall into categories such as ignoring, attacking, turning against, or pushing away.
How do we push people away, and how can we break out of a cycle of disconnection?
Attacking includes criticism, contempt and defensiveness, and often includes accusations of always or never doing something. This can lead to a downward spiral. This spiral can be broken by getting clear about what we want, how we want it, and whether the person we are talking to is able to deliver on it. Once we have this clarity, we can make a clear request, and remember to acknowledge when the other person does something right. In addition, we may have to seek alternatives if the other person isn’t capable of doing what we are asking.
Contempt includes sarcasm, teasing, name calling, eye rolling, and anything that indicates one person is better than the other, or is an attempt to make the other person feel less worthy. We are putting distance between us and the other person, separating ourselves from them. To interrupt this, we can be respectful, and consider what part we are playing in the situation. Use kindness and love for ourselves and the other person, before blaming or pointing the finger.
Defensiveness is a loop of insecurity - I didn’t do it, you did it! We are making excuses and trying to blame the other person and they are doing the same. There is no communication. The way to break this pattern is to take responsibility for our part and pledge to not do it in the future.
Ignoring includes stonewalling and cutting off communication. We can be ignoring the person (or they can be ignoring us) altogether, or we can be ignoring what they say, listening but ignoring the message, or answering a different question than the one they asked. If we feel we are being ignored, we can assume good intent, and take the most generous interpretation we can find. Also, let people know how it feels when we feel ignored. To avoid ignoring on our part, we need to set firm boundaries and listen actively.
Connection is an important part of life, and intentional connection is the best way to build a future in relationships that are mutually beneficial for our work and personal lives. If you want to get more intentional about your connections, ask yourself - am I connecting or pushing them away? Am I proud of how I am connecting? What would love do now?
These questions can help bring us back to our intentions for how we want to interact with others allowing us to form better connections with those around us.