Two Truths and a Lie

Has anyone ever played the meet and greet game two truths and a lie? Turns out the two truths part of that equation is the more challenging aspect, especially when the truth goes against our already understanding or knowing of a person, place or thing. 

This week I thought I would parse out a notion that has been a big aspect of my own learning journey in the last several years … What is cognitive dissonance? Why can it be SO challenging and how does it play a role in the social fabric of our society? 

First, what is it …

Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort a person feels when their behavior does not align with their values or beliefs. AND Cognitive dissonance is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when a person holds two contradictory beliefs at the same time.

~ Medical News Today

The “dissonance” creates psychological stress, and people naturally try to reduce it typically by rationalizing (coming up with a reason that makes it make sense) or forcing a change in behavior, their own or another's.  
 

We also may try to change our long held beliefs - that is convincing ourselves that what we knew to be true actually wasn’t, this is the most dangerous to our long term emotional and mental health. 

When those strategies fail (which they always do) we often try to just leave and “move on”.  None of this addresses the dissonance it actually just prolongs it and undermines our sense of sovereignty and self. 

In short: cognitive dissonance is the mental tension from inconsistency between what we believe, what we value, and what we do.

Let’s look a bit deeper at why it’s SO uncomfortable … 

• Threat to Self-Identity: Most of us like to see ourselves as consistent, rational, and “good” people. When our actions or beliefs clash, it threatens that self-image. The discomfort comes from the gap between “who I think I am” and “what I just did/believe.”
• Psychological Inconsistency Feels Unsafe: Our brains are wired to seek coherence and predictability. Contradictions create mental “noise,” which feels destabilizing. Evolutionarily, being clear and decisive likely helped survival; confusion or contradiction signals uncertainty, which our nervous system interprets as unsafe.
• Emotional Load: Dissonance often carries shame, guilt, embarrassment, or anxiety—emotions that are hard to sit with. For instance, admitting “I hurt someone I care about” or “I’ve been wrong about something important” can feel overwhelming.
• Energy Drain: Holding conflicting ideas requires mental energy, like keeping two opposing files open in your head at once. This drains focus and emotional bandwidth.
• Social Pressure: Our inconsistencies are often visible to others. Being seen as a “hypocrite” or inconsistent can threaten belonging, which makes the discomfort sharper.
• Conclusion: Cognitive dissonance is hard because it challenges our sense of self, safety, and social standing—all things humans are deeply motivated to protect.
  
  

Sometimes leaders/teachers try to use cognitive dissonance to elicit new thinking … This can be a risky strategy and one I would not recommend as there are healthy approaches.  

When a leader, teacher, or facilitator deliberately creates cognitive dissonance, it can spark breakthrough insight or it can tip into manipulation and harm, depending on how it’s done.

👍 When it can be healthy or helpful

• Inviting critical reflection: A professor asking students to compare their assumptions to new evidence.
• Stretching perspectives: A coach pointing out how someone’s current behavior conflicts with their stated goals or values.
• Challenging bias: A leader gently surfacing blind spots that limit innovation.
  
  

If done with care, respect, and informed consent, this can open minds and encourage growth.

🛑 When it can be harmful

• Overloading the nervous system: Too much dissonance at once can create shame, panic, or “freeze,” shutting down learning.
• Exploiting the discomfort: High-pressure sales, high-control leaders, or manipulative training often induce dissonance intentionally (“you’re not good enough as you are”) to make people more malleable.
• Withholding informed choice: If the person doesn’t know they’re being led into dissonance—or if it’s framed as the only way to resolve the tension—they lose agency.
• Undermining identity or safety: If the challenge attacks a person’s worth, culture, or core identity, it can cause long-term harm rather than growth.

It is a fine line … 

• Ethical use: Designed to empower the learner, with space to reflect, disagree, and choose their path.
• Unethical use: Designed to weaken resistance and push toward the teacher’s preferred belief, product, or allegiance.
• Cautionary tale: Yes, leaders/teachers can cause harm if they use cognitive dissonance as a tool without care for power dynamics, trauma history, or the learner’s consent.

The same mental tension that sparks “aha!” can also create compliance, dependency, or distress. It’s important that leader/teachers are trauma informed, understand the dynamics of coercion and accept that their position requires EXTRA diligence and care for their students/clients.