What does it mean to be givers trying to thrive in a transactional society?
So let's dig into what that means starting with, why do we humans like to give? Is it to look good to our fellow humans, to boost our ego? Maybe sometimes but mostly .. NO.
“Decades of kindness research tells us that giving is the social glue that connects us to each other and our communities. Just think about how you felt the last time someone gave you something meaningful or did an act of kindness on your behalf. Maybe you felt seen, valued, loved, or appreciated. I imagine you felt a sense of connection and belonging to that person or group.”
Also…
“Generosity impacts our health and well-being in so many positive ways. It boosts mood, self-esteem, and our immune system. It also reduces stress, anxiety, and blood pressure. The associated feel-good chemicals can help reduce aches and pains and help us sleep better, too.”
~ Columbia University Irving Medical Center - Columbia Doctors
Trust is the emotional soil in which authentic giving grows. When we give freely, it’s often because we trust:
- That we are safe.
- That our gift will be received with care.
- That we won’t be taken advantage of.
- That life (or the relationship) has a kind of balance, even if it’s not immediate or measurable.
In giving, trust is the container. When trust is broken, giving can feel unsafe or exploitative.
So, now let's look at the impact of our natural giving tendencies against the background of the highly transactional society we currently live in.
In transactionalism, trust is replaced with terms. We don’t need to trust the grocery store clerk—we just exchange money for goods.
We live in a world built on transactions where we buy, sell, trade, compensate and invoice. We expect to give something in order to get something back. That’s the deal, it’s efficient, measurable, and expected.
Here’s where the mischief lies…
Since the two notions are SO collapsed and we don’t know the line between healthy and unhealthy giving, or transacting for that matter, our natural desire to give can easily be exploited. Conversely, with transactionalism, we don’t get to experience the connections and trust possible by being free to give and receive.
The confusion can be especially impactful for women. We’re taught it is our role to give freely of our care, our time, our presence. It is also our job to do the emotional and relational heavy lifting. These expectations often lead to burnout, invisibility, resentment and the all too common exploitation.
Seeing where I am in this process helped me stop fighting the feelings. I don’t need to solve my way out of discomfort by changing the circumstances—I need to tend to the inner process. It’s an inside job.
How about you?
Are you going through a transition—big or small—and trying to find peace by managing the outer stuff? Maybe you’re right where you need to be.
So the wisdom here is not to stop giving (or charge for everything). It’s to become discerning of the why, the how, and the at what cost when letting our giving nature flow.
In our next i8 Newsletter (and post) we will continue the inquiry and take a look at over giving and explore ethical volunteerism. Volunteerism is a cornerstone of our society AND it can be exploited, we will explore how to stay on the healthy giving side of the equation.
Talk Soon!
~ Anne